House-Husband
by b0mb3r
Summary: After club activities Hachiman and Iroha are on a grocery run for Komachi. There he meets his walking idealization. One-Shot AU Crossover.


Cloning. A process to duplicate a being in the exact sequences using the subject's genes. That craze with the sheep was all the rage but her early death proved how ineffective the technology is. Another failure to meet society's perverse, expectations. Dare say she may be a loner like me. Then again she was well taken care of before her death as she is unaware about life as Riajūs [0] are about youth. Ahh I wish to reincarnated as a sheep. Wait, perish those thoughts sheep equals corporal slave never forget that. (lol)

None the less life can be unexpected as I am facing a mirror, except this mirror is wearing a gakuran with shorter hair and no ahoge. Is he my alter self? [1]

In his arm a voluptuous female clung towards him. Her attire consisted of a white shirt with a black ribbon, underneath her red blazer and a plain, navy skirt. Long, fair, blue hair (dyed?) and purple eyes (contacts?) she shared her companion facial expression; shock.

"Senpai, did you happen to have a twin brother I was unaware of?"

My flaxen, hair girlfriend in her Sobu uniform broke the silence as my face slackened to its neutral position.

"Of course not. You know Komachi is the only sibling I have." I muttered.

Then again my poor parents. If they happened to have two deadfish eye twins I couldn't fault them for giving one away. Thank you for sticking with me or else I could never have a sister. Heh is that high on Onii-Chan points?

"Ryuuji is that your cousin or someone?" The blue female whispered as the shock dissipated.

I may not have Yukinoshita's ear but I've heard that. Ryuuji huh? That makes me also a dragon too. Does it come with a flute and a zord? [2]

"Ami I wouldn't know since, you know, dad left and all." Dragon-kun responded.

Huh, maybe he could be a long, distance relative. I wonder if rotten eyes are a dominant trait? Ah Genghis Kahn if only you had them the world would be a better place through your repopulation. After all, humans are surprisingly easy to create [3]. All you need is 180,000 yens [4] and go to the local market, which is where we're at this moment.

As we stand around the produces I pondered who this blue vixen? I felt I have seen her before, excusing her natural (or abnormal cosmetics) beauty somewhere. Kawa-Shiki? Kawa-Shirou? Kawa-Aoko? [5]

"Ehhhhh, Kawashima-Senpai! I thought you were on sabbatical?" Iroha asked in mock surprise.

"Ara, Ara if it isn't Iroha-chan? I didn't even notice you until you've spoken." Kawa-something said sarcastically.

Ah, now I remember. She's Kawashima Ami. Before you say that I am some closet, idol otaku let me explain. My sly, little fox in her second year was scouted as a model. Thanks to the moe-gap [6] created by the combination of her cute character and mischievous personality she rose up in popularity. Naturally there would be competition, with Ami being a sort of eternal rival. I wish I didn't know these trivial infos as Iroha constantly complained about her job but that is the curse of having an eidetic memory.

Ahhh if only Tousuka crossdressed [7] as an idol then I would devote my life being his producer. [8]

"Senpai, please wipe that disgusting smile off your face."

Gah, Isshiki you've been hanging out way too much with Yukinoshita. She turned away from me and return to Kawa-sama

"Isn't Rise-Senpai covering for yooouu?"

"I thought it was time to relieve her as she has been truly helpful."

You may think these coworkers are simply having a simple chat but let me show you one of my 108 loner skills: Reading between the lines aka subtitle.

"With my absence the world would be missing out my gift."

 _ **I add tremendous value, unlike you.**_

"Is not like the industry would collapse without you, you knoooow?"

 _ **You're exaggerating, you can always be replaced.**_

"Ara, Ara the industry exists because of talented people."

 _ **I may be replaced temporally but you are entirely disposable.**_

"That's true. You're well-verse and knowledgeable Kawashima-Senpai."

 _ **I didn't know trashes are sentient?**_

"Thank you. You are recently new to our world but I'm sure with your hard work you will prevail."

 _ **Trashes who aren't aware they're trash shouldn't speak.**_

"As long I have your continued guidance I'm sure we'll both succeed."

 _ **You've been in this business so long your mind has became mush. Maybe we can make a Christmas cake out of it**_ **? [9]**

The doppelgängers meeting and killing each other was entirely forgotten [10]. As the two continued to trade barrages with each other I squinted my eyes. I am witnessing two auras sprouting behind their backs. My girlfriend's seems to be a fox but Miss Blue [11] has a chihuahua? Per, Per, PERSONA! [12]

Ignoring my relapse of my old chuuni [13] habits I turned to my fellow loner. Then again are we really loners? We both happened to date two gorgeous girls who are in the idol industry. Our loner guild would scorn our romantic comedy and post their grievance on 2chan [14] as trolls. Really meticulous and malicious members would seek out personal information and harass us as they post stalker videos on Nico Nico [15]. Wait doesn't that make them not loners either if they have to work with each other? Blah, humanity is one contradictory mess.

"Um, do you mind sharing me your name? We'll probably run into each other, idol girlfriends and all."

My thoughts were interrupted as my imposter spoke.

"…Hikigaya Hachiman" I responded despondently.

"Takasu Ryuuji" He replied courtly.

Awkwardness fell upon us as the silence stretches.

My kage bunshin [16] struggled to fix this as he found his next words.

"Um, can you cook?"

No way? Someone whose eyes as corrupted as mine can't possibly cook.

"No, do you?" I answered in small disbelief.

"Ah, um, yes." He said as I saw my reflection in those disappointed eyes.

Is he making the same assumption of what skills comes with the sharingan? [17] Is our standard so far apart that we can't match?

Wait, note to self. Don't let Komachi meet him. An onii-chan who can cook makes me replaceable. Worst she may even date him. Then again anything is better than that bug right now...

"Does anyone else in your family cook? A sister?" I asked back curiously.

"Is only me and mom. She's too busy making a living that I've learned to cook for the both of us. She doesn't even know house chores too as I take care of laundry and herself. Not saying that she's bad or anything just that I love to clean. Especially as I scrub my home and obliterate my enemies. Seeing bacteria driven before you and hearing the lamentations of their screams." [18] He ended his rant with a grin before he realized what he had done and turned his embarrassed face away.

Whoa, is that how my smile usually looked? Suddenly I don't blame my female companions' reaction.

Wait. Cooking? Cleaning? Caretaking?  
My ahoge stood to attention. Is this true? Have I finally met my Sensei? My dream to be a house-husband was dwindling as I don't think Iroha could support me with her career. Corporal slave was closer and closer to being a reality thanks to upcoming university exams. This must be a sign and I am not blind to see it.

He's stay-at-home-husband material. If I learn his secrets in the most, energy efficient manner then my future is secure. Evidence? Kawa-Hameha [19] is dating him. Ignoring any outside circumstances that she may date him for who he is and not what he is I asked him this question.

I will display another of my 108 loner skills as I am quite proud of it with its serious nature. Begging for mercy but in this case bowing is enough.

"Will you be my Sensei Ryuuji-san?"

"Wha, wha, what?" He stuttered.

"From what I gathered from our small conversation you are a great husband"

"I'm not even married." He uttered.

"None the less I wish to learn to be as good as you. My dream is be a house-husband. Please take my request." As I continued my pitch.

"Ah, um,"

"TAKASU!" "SENPAI!"

Before he can give me a proper response we were interrupted.

"Which one of you is worst?!" They both said in unison.

What kind of question is that?! Don't you normally compete whose the better boyfriend?

"Takasu isn't smart."

What?! Is this an RPG where I have to sacrifice my intelligence to gain house husband skills?

"Senpai can't cook!"

Gah, why do you think I was asking Dragon-sama then?

"Well my boyfriend has a cleaning fetish!"

"My boyfriend purposely makes people hate him!"

"He loves his parrot like a spoiling parent!"

"He's a big sis-con!"

We stood there as rain of metaphysical arrows continued to pierce us. I truly seek the Genuine thing in my life but no one said that it is wholly positive as pain can be very real too. We were relieved from the storm as our arms were dragged away from our respective girlfriends.

"Come on Ryuuji let's go to a different market."

"But, but Ami they have 50% deals off here."

"I realize they don't have what I want."

"Senpai this store isn't suitable for our needs." She said in irritation as she continued to drag me.

NOOooo Isshiki what are you doing?! You're taking away my future, I mean our future! If I were a wonderful house-husband you will have no reason to toss me away!

The steps towards my dream were gradually retracted as Iroha pulled me away. I had only one last thought as we exited the market.

Everything passes. [20]

 _ **Afterword**_

Hi everyone b0mb3r here. This work marks as my first, official fanfiction. I was still getting high out of season 2 of SNAFU that I had to write this. I apologize for any grammatical errors despite English being my native tongue. I edited this multiple times through multiple loud readings. I had to since I wrote everything on my phone on my train to work before inputting it into my computer. I also blame the language disability I have. Or the absence of a beta.

I tried re-reading both Yahari and Toradora to grasp the characters but it was still hard to keep them the same, especially within my AU. Watari has this tendency to write huge block of monologues between dialogues, breaking up my natural stance to just straight up write conversations. Still the result was a combination of my writing style, Watari's, and multiple ideas that I am happy to say were able to fit in here.

I want to make an educated guess that Watari was influenced by Toradora, at the minimum where he took the house-husband idea from. Similar to how Shoji Gatoh, author of Fullmetal Panic, took the character Heero Yuy from Gundam Wing and transformed him to the loveable, militaristic nut Sousuke Sagara. As a youngster I always thought Takasu was basically Kyon from Haruhi Suzumiya except with sanpaku eyes and the ability to cook. I theorized that he took the concept further and split them apart for Hachiman, keeping the theme of separating ideals and reality in his works.

Anyhow while I am not aiming to be a writer nor will pursue further fanfics please review and share any constructive criticism. Thanks!

P.S.

Someone please write more Yahari/Toradora crossovers! There is just so much gold and ripping to be told.

 **Bonus:**

"Gah I wish I was on vacation." I complained as I lounged around the sofa.

"But Onii-chan you're already on one. Actually for the past fourteen years!" Komachi exclaimed as she entered the living room.

What?! As the residential expert on Chiba an information of this magnitude wouldn't fail to escape me. Then again as a loner it is expected if someone failed to inform me about this. Still…

"Really? Please enlighten me." I asked skeptically.

With a cheshire grin on her face she spun around in her apron dramatically as she stopped in front of me.

"KA-WA-II!" She pointed herself as she gave the biggest smile to melt any man's heart. I'm the exception though.

Heh, Corny. Cute but corny my imouto.

 **Otaku Notes:**

[0] Normalfags.

[1] Fate/Stay Night. Alter-Saber is Saber without her large, strand of hair aka Ahoge. Fate/hollow ataraxia, its sequel, has this wonderful skit surrounding it.

[2] Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. The Green Ranger's iconic dagger flute and mecha.

[3] Fullmetal Alchemist. Ed's monologue about the material makeup of the human body. You can actually get all the ingredients from a general store.

[4] Toaru Majutsu no Index. The cost to produce a clone from the Radio Noise Project.

[5] Type-Moon protagonists' first names.

[6] Moe-Gap. Characters that have a huge gap between their personality and their (stereotyped) outlook vs drastic, unexpected, different personalities.

[7] AKB49 - Renai Kinshi Jourei. A story about a crossdresser in the idol industry. 25 Volumes and going strong…

[8] iDOLMASTER. A videogame (and anime) where you played as the producer for group of idols. Is the reason why Berserk is getting delayed.

[9] Christmas Cake. A derogatory slang against Japanese women not getting married by 25. Cakes that surpass the 25th (Christmas day or their birthday) are disposed of. Poor Shizuka-Sensei, someone marry her already! At least she isn't New Year's Noodles (past 31 of age).

[10] Kurokami. A manga with the premise that doppelgängers meeting each other are forced to kill each other. Sadly this concept was all forgotten early on.

[11] The nickname of a central figure in the Type-Moon universe.

[12] Persona. A popular JRPG set in modern Japan. Players wield physical manifestation of the characters' personal psyches in supernatural combat. No surprise that Hikigaya prefers Persona 3 darker tone over Persona 4 lighter theme. Source: Vol. 10.5

[13] Eighth-Grade Syndrome. Middle Schooler's delusion believing themselves to be something of large. Like supernatural beings, spies, robots, etc by dressing up in costumes and capes. A good reference would be the 1st season of Chuunibyou demo Koi ga Shitai!

[14] 2chan. Famous Japanese textboard where people post anything. Their love, their anger, and ALL THEIR SORROW! Heh, G-Gundam quote. And yes Youth-Hating Japanese people can find out every personal details about you if they're bored or angry enough. I swear they're a human resources we can use to fight against terrorism.

[15] Nico-Nico. Japan's equivalent of Youtube.

[16] Shadow Clone.

[17] Naruto. Powerful eyes with the ability to copy any skills. The eyes in that universe are ridiculously over-powered in my opinion.

[18] Conan the Barbarian. My take on the famous quote.

[19] Dragonball. Goku's famous energy attack.

[20] Osamu Dazai. A quote from a famous Japanese author aka the Proto-Hachiman. Seriously.


End file.
